Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
