I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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