I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
