Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
