Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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