so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dear god my vagina.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
