Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
