wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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