does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
