I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
