blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
