i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
