Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My liver just had a heart attack.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
