so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
