Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
