I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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