Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
