I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
