I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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