I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
