I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
