Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
