you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
