Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
