Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
