you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
