You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
