dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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