You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have post one night stand depression
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
