I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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