I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
