Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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