He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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