I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
