things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
