Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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