I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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