Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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