I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize