where am i from again
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
whose parrot is this?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
