At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
