I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
