the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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