Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
