Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
