Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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