ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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