He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize