There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
