im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
