Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
