When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
