You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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