I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
