babies were throwing up all over the place
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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