whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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