We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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