I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
