Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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