Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
