So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
