I wish I could teleport
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
